MEET THE CREW!
Kristan Tate is known by many a name, each with their own unique and lengthy story (so no, I’m not going to type them all; just use your imagination): Boy of Destiny, Tatertits, The 40-year-Old Man, Hugh Hefner, and Sexual Chocolate, just to name a few. He is always serious, no matter what he is doing, so he really has no idea what he’s doing writing for a humor magazine. The other members think he’s planning something devious because all he does is sit in the corner and stare off into the distance during meetings. Actually, he’s probably from the Poly—oh crap he’s right behind me! Abort! Abort!
Alex Zylka enjoys taking credit for things he has done, so therefore will take credit for the demise of Statler & Waldorf. (real bio to come)
Robert Martino (pronounced Bah-bee big-dee Mar-tee-know ): As the king of open mic standup comedy (between the hours of 1 and 2am) at not one but three dive bars in the Albany area, Robert didn’t come to Statler & Waldorf to become a star; he brought his star with him. Voted the Third Funniest Virgin Under Thirty (in upstate New York) by Scientology Today Monthly, his reputation speaks for itself. A master in the craft of Dad Jokes, he is always a lot of pun to be around, even despite his facial reconstruction surgery after his legendary zinger: “Hi going to beat the living shit out of your ass if you don’t walk away RIGHT NOW, I’m Dad”
Height: 5’3” “Hey, I grow where it counts ;)” (in his gut area)
Weight: “muh commons freshman year” “totally starting an endomorphic cyclic ketogenic diet next week”
Major: Computer Science (Redundant, see virgin comment above)
Fun Fact: He has been Ebola free for over a year now!
Chester Kowalski has sex with older men for money, cause RPI isn’t cheap.
Peter Wood is a person who studies Computational Linguistics or something similarly pretentious. Besides being the Humor Editor and Webmaster for S&W, he enjoys composing music, writing stories, studying martial arts, taking 20 credit hours of classes, and complaining about not having enough free time. His hair is legendary in at least three cultures.
In his own words: This fucking skinhead freshman just came into the editing room at some useless publication joint at RPI and has no problem making fun of the most unfuckable person in the room. He has no idea what his place is or how insignificant he is. He started a few weeks ago and needs to make friends badly, as high school was quite the antisocial affair for him. People would know his name and say “hello,” but they never really asked to sit with him at lunch, play video games, or watch porn together. He was his own right-hand man for a long time, so to speak: his own best friend, if you will. And the only person he can really talk to nowadays is his girl best friend from high school, and that’s just quite sad. She’s gay too, which makes the relationship even more of a tease.
Parth Bhide is a serious person in a serious world full of serious things.
Joe Iaquinto is S&W’s Managing Editor, and occasionally is both physically and mentally present during meetings.
Kevin Phoenix has extremely strong opinions about indenting code with tabs versus spaces. That’s all you need to know about him.
Noah Tebben: A supercalifragilistic expialidouche. Oft sneaking around abandoned places. Like France ayyyyyyyyyyyyy
Izzi Cain: Favorite song – Izzy izzy Ahh by Missy Elliot.
INTERESTED IN JOINING?
Then stop by any of our meetings! We meet in the Publications Suite (Union room 3324) on Tuesdays at 7:00pm.
We also accept any freelance submissions. No commitment, we want to take this slow.