Robert Martino (pronounced Bah-bee big-dee Mar-tee-know ): As the king of open mic standup comedy (between the hours of 1 and 2am) at not one but three dive bars in the Albany area, Robert didn’t come to Statler & Waldorf to become a star; he brought his star with him. Voted the Third Funniest Virgin Under Thirty (in upstate New York) by Scientology Today Monthly, his reputation speaks for itself. A master in the craft of Dad Jokes, he is always a lot of pun to be around, even despite his facial reconstruction surgery after his legendary zinger: “Hi going to beat the living shit out of your ass if you don’t walk away RIGHT NOW, I’m Dad”


Height: 5’3”  “Hey, I grow where it counts ;)” (in his gut area)

Weight: “muh commons freshman year” “totally starting an endomorphic cyclic ketogenic diet next week”

Major: Computer Science (Redundant, see virgin comment above)

GPA: 92.6/113

Fun Fact: He has been Ebola free for over a year now!

Chester Kowalski

Business Manager


Chester Kowalski has sex with older men for money, cause RPI isn’t cheap.

Peter Wood

Managing Editor, Selections Editor


Peter Wood is a person[citation needed] who studies Computational Linguistics or something similarly pretentious. Besides his work for S&W, he enjoys composing music, writing stories, studying martial arts, taking 20 credit hours of classes, and complaining about not having enough free time. His hair is legendary in at least three cultures.

Oleg Yakovets

Humor Editor, Resident Drunk Uncle

In his own words: This fucking skinhead freshman just came into the editing room at some useless publication joint at RPI and has no problem making fun of the most unfuckable person in the room. He has no idea what his place is or how insignificant he is. He started a few weeks ago and needs to make friends badly, as high school was quite the antisocial affair for him. People would know his name and say “hello,” but they never really asked to sit with him at lunch, play video games, or watch porn together. He was his own right-hand man for a long time, so to speak: his own best friend, if you will. And the only person he can really talk to nowadays is his girl best friend from high school, and that’s just quite sad. She’s gay too, which makes the relationship even more of a tease.

Parth Bhide is a serious person in a serious world full of serious things.


Kevin Phoenix, Webmaster, has extremely strong opinions about indenting code with tabs versus spaces. That’s all you need to know about him.

Izzi Cain: Favorite song – Izzy izzy Ahh by Missy Elliot.



Then stop by any of our meetings! We meet in the Publications Suite (Union room 3324) on Tuesdays at 7:00pm.

We also accept any freelance submissions. No commitment, we want to take this slow.



Iquantumcat01 (7:04:14 PM): there are noises comin’ from the orgy closet….
drygoldfishy88 (7:04:21 PM): like what?
quantumcat01 (7:04:30 PM): bad ones….

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