By Chris Frazier
Supreme Leader (and SpaceX CEO) Elon Musk (Praise be unto his totally real hair that is not at all plugs) is sending his personal Tesla Roadster to Mars’ orbit. He is doing so as a test payload for the first launch of the Falcon Heavy, the young aerospace company’s new fizzy lifting vehicle. The current penned in launch date is February 6, and if all goes to plan SpaceX will have made yet another gigantic leap towards their final goal of a manned mission to the red planet, and later construction of a Mall of Mars-merica. Hooray for progress! But that’s all old news and old news doesn’t get clicks, so here’s something new and totally true. Only semi-surprisingly, Mr. Musk is using his umpteenth time in the international spotlight (Though he hardly ever leaves it. It’s 15 minutes of fame for a reason. Stop hogging it all, Elon) to make an amazing announcement.
On Saturday, he announced the payload for their second planned test flight, this time testing the maximum payload weight of the rocket. For Numero Dos Musk will be sending a 37,000 pound, solid gold bust of himself to Mars. The large sculpture of Dear Leader will be able to position itself to greet any rockets that come visit the red planet, and if the Mars-bound astronauts want, they can hail the giant head to receive a specially recorded message from Musk himself: “Hello, and welcome to Elon World! I hope you enjoy your time in the park. Be sure to buy the reusable collector’s cup.” Many scientists and officials have criticized Musk’s attempt at privatizing Mars, citing the fact that there are laws against exactly that. One NASA official, William J Wonkenberg, tweeted at Elon the Conqueror, “@elonmusk You BUMPED into the ceiling, which now has to be washed and sterilized, so you get… NOTHING!!! YOU LOSE!! GOOD DAY, SIR!!!” To which Papa Musk responded, “@oompamyloompa You’re a crook. You’re a cheat and a swindler! That’s what you are! How can you do a thing like this?! Build up a little boy’s hopes, and then smash all his dreams to pieces?! YOU’RE AN INHUMAN MONSTER!!”
It is still to be seen whether or not Master Elon will go forward with his amazing plan, but it certainly seems that he will if his tweet is any indication. In an official press release from SpaceX, Mr. Musk was said to have privately apologized to the official. However, a tip from a trustworthy source told us that, in the meeting, Mr. Musk called the man a “vermicious knid.” The meaning of this insult is not yet known, but it definitely sounds insulting. What’s next for Elon? Will the Joes defeat Cobra? Will I write another article on this? Find out next week on Statler & Waldorf.