End of the Year Financial Report

in Uncategorized

By Chester Kowalski, Business Manager

It’s been a good year for Statler and Waldorf. Mini Issues, The Rise and Fall of Press Manager, new freshman, and more. However, as we live in a capitalist society, what we all care about most is the money, so it’s time to kneel at the altar of profit.

We give out our issue for free in the US; however we also charge an alternate price, as listed below for our 2017 issues:

17.1         69.99 CDN

17.2         <3 CDN

17.3         7.34 CDN

17.4         2024 CDN

17.5         1200 AUD

17.6         69 SMD

4 of the issues are offered in Canadian dollars, so a trip to Canada is in order. A round trip bus to Canada is $90. We print 1000 copies for print issues and have an infinite number of online issues. Assuming we sell packs of 4 issues, and sell 100 (10% of stock) we would make:

If x is equal to 2.99 then we make $210432, subtracting the cost to get to Canada we make 210342 CDN in profit. Converting this to US dollars, we make a total of $165816.81.

For issue 5 we need to go to Australia, a round trip flight costs $4800. Assuming we once again sell 100 issues, we make 120000 AUD which is equivalent to  $91321.20.

For issue 6 we are offering it for 69 SMD, also known as “suck my dicks.” Assuming it takes 35 dick-suck inquiries to successfully get it sucked once, and the going rate for a hooker blowjob in NYC is $40, each issue is equivalent to $80. Selling 100 issues makes us $8000.

Adding all three totals together, we make $265,138.01.

In conclusion, the Union should give us Adobe Creative Cloud.


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