As Temperatures Slump, Long-Johns Soar

in Humor

By Kevin Phoenix

Following the sudden drop in temperature this past weekend, a huge resurgence in the popularity of long-johns has begun. Freshman and upperclassmen alike have taken to the back of their closets, pulling out their most precious and reserved possessions, a garment so revered that it is only worn in the most extreme of circumstances. In an interview with a half-asleep shopkeeper in downtown Troy, she said “I think we’ve sold one or two pairs, which is a lot, usually we just throw them out when moths eat them.” She also said, “I’m not really sure why people would need them this time of year, as the temperatures have only dipped a little, typical for fall.” On campus, students have been raving over the now-popular undergarment, an interviewed student said, “I’m not sure what you are talking about.” Another student, found nearly frozen and in the fetal position, murmured, “I’m from southern California. I’ve braved some extreme weather, in my time, but this is worse than my worst nightmares. I’ve seen very cold weathers, 70s, 60s, hell I even think it hit 59 at one point. I am worried that civilization might freeze over if this persists.” While most other students didn’t have much to say considering their tongues were stuck frozen to metallic objects, investigators here at Statler & Waldorf have reason to believe that they were equally as excited as about long-johns.

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