By Chester Kowalski
Oh, you’re [non-stem major]? Good luck getting a job with that.
Commonly heard on campus, we all know the classic cry of the STEM major. The smug demeanor, the condescending looks, the “it’s a joke but not really” nature of it all.
However, this phenomenon is true even within the STEM major community. Today we rank the majors based on how “STEM major” they are.
Starting at the bottom, we have all the majors contained in “T” except for computer science. The bastard children on STEM, people can barely come up with anything beyond IT, and that’s a burn in and of itself.
Next we have the sciences. Biology and chemistry are the lowest here, with both being pretty subdued in their actions. This doesn’t include Pre-Med, but they only choose these majors because they need something to put in the box for having a major that isn’t pre-med. Physics is above them because, while most of the time they are good, they love to bring up that that we exist in a physical world so yes of course the things they talk about are relevant. We get it, you talk about balls all day.
Next we have math. Most of the time, math doesn’t really brag, but there are 2 exceptions that raise it to this level. First, we have the math-is-the-queen-of-the-sciences people. Yes, basically every job uses math, and is really just applied math in some way, but the other majors can commit to one topic, unlike you. The other is the math hippies. “Math is so beautiful, have you seen Euler’s Equation? It’s the most beautiful equation.” Calm down, the most beautiful equation is the curve of a lover in your bed but you’re a math major so you wouldn’t know that.
Penultimate is computer science. Most comp sci people are great! You want to learn to code a game? They’ll help any way they can. Wondering what’s wrong with your laptop? They can try and fix it! Crying on a Friday night about Data Structures and questioning whether you’re a failure in life? They will stay up till midnight while your friends break out the nice vodka, just to help you get a “C”.
However, there is the one loud minority who ruin it.
It’s the end of the lecture and before you leave the professor asks if there are any questions about the homework. Their hand shoots up.
“Um, I was wondering if I could do this homework with a distributed functional hash tree of hyperthreaded cryptoqueues? I know the answer is ‘of course not’, but I need everyone else in class to know that I am way smarter and above this class in all ways.”
The final letter, and the smuggest of them all, is of course engineers. Within the field, though, there are still divisions. MechEs are the lowest just because they are so numerous. MechE is the engineering for people who want to get paid like an engineer but don’t like it that much; it’s basically general engineering. At the top I would say are nuclear engineers. The level of inside jokes that aren’t actually funny, megalomania over nuclear power, and just general condescension put them at the top. Though, keep in mind that all engineers have the ability to say “I’m an engineer” and immediately jack off right there.
As I wrote this, my friends argued about this list and why their major was the best which just proves how right I am. Also as a math major I’m obligated to say, math is obviously the best.