Southwest Baby Compartments (TM)

in Humor

There comes a point in a parent’s life where they take pride in going on long, warm vacations during their child’s winter break. Apparently, doing nothing at home is not acceptable. They must spend lots of money and go someplace warm, usually with service by people who aren’t white. Going just once was not enough. No one seems to know that being lazy is economical.

There is a crisis that has plagued airlines around the world: little kids who won’t shut the fuck up. From the purchase of noise-cancelling headphones to hiring a babysitter to watch them while the couple goes off to have pathetic sex off on some cheap Caribbean Island, modern society has explored all of the options, and they all cost money…. except one. The installation of a “tiny little cunt” chute in the plane was proposed by Boeing Engineer Samuel Stevenson. The device would allow for small children to be placed in a small hold with 2 access ports to ensure that the pressure in the cabin is undisturbed, as only one port is open at any given time. The process by which a baby is selected is simple; if the majority of people within 6 rows of the baby have a problem then it goes to the back and the flight staff takes care of the rest.

But should the controversial technology be used at all? We’ll lay out the pros and cons.

Pros: Solves the problem of noise. There will be a sigh of relief that will sweep through the impacted people as they can sit in peace. There will be less need for fuel, even though those planes carry enough to get a shuttle into space. The baby won’t create future carbon emissions, so environmentalist groups are big supporters of the idea, and the wailing miscreant won’t risk being an embarrassment to the family.

Cons: You might still hear a baby yell a little bit on the way down in a grim demonstration of the Doppler Effect. You don’t want that guilt rushing over the parents. It’s still murder, so you better not return from the Caribbean.

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