by Peter Wood
In a landslide decision, the United States populace voted yesterday to elect neither The Generic Corrupt Politician Who Happens to Be Female nor The Incarnate Racist Joke but instead the userbase of popular game streaming site Twitch.tv. Commentators called this alternative paradigm “less out-of-touch with millennial voters” than Clinton and “less chaotic” than Trump. This represents a marked return to direct democracy of a sort that has not been seen since ancient Athens, where people (i.e. male landowners) wrote individual words on shards of pottery and argued about how to best arrange them into laws.
There was some debate over whether to use “anarchy” mode or “democracy” mode, and trial runs of both were attempted. In “anarchy” mode, the newly-elected president spent two hours pacing back and forth beside the giant red “Nuke Canada” button in the White House and attempting unsuccessfully to press it. Executive orders attempting to decriminalize marijuana, recriminalize marijuana, decriminalize armed robbery in cases of self-defense, criminalize toaster ownership, disband the Air Force, and declare war on Lichtenstein were all issued during this time. In “democracy” mode, however, the president spent two hours with his pen hovering over a bill as a vote on whether to sign it, veto it, or urinate on it was split in a three-way tie.
When asked for comment, Twitch replied “UP UP DOWN DOWN LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT B A START”.