by Dr. Bathroom
Attempted-rapist Gains McBrosef was pulled aside for a stern talking-to during a frat party in which he became “too smashed for Smash,” and interrupted a friendly Nintendo brawl with ambitions of a close encounter of the seventh kind (look it up, philistines). Luckily, a brave Statler & Waldorfian was on duty inside of a nearby cupboard, and burst forth at the first notions of hooliganry. His sudden appearance, glorious as it was, managed to scare away all but the most inebriated, allowing the distressing damsel to make her escape in the shock of things. McBrosef was then shackled with righteous indignation and escorted to headquarters for some ‘splainin. [Editor’s note: Gains McBrosef is from Boston, and therefore has a Bostonian accent. So we may be wrong on the whole ‘he was drunk’ part.]
McBrosef: … Look, I told youse guyses once, I’ll told youse agains, ‘If she didn’t want it, why would she have been sitting on a couch? Everybodies knows those are either for sleeping or sexing. Both, if I’ve anything to say about it!”
S&W: Charming, truly. Alright, Brosef, just- why? Clearly she didn’t want it. Everybody heard her say “No” multiple times. Why keep pushing if you know the lady’s not on board?
McBrosef: Hey look, she told me- alright- she told me that she’d never heard of Nickelback. Me! Nickelback! Bitch deserved it, far as I’m concerned.
McBrosef: Look, it’s not rape until someone blows the rape-whistle, am I right? *wink*
S&W: Um… no…?
McBrosef: O.K., I’ll admit it: talking to women kills my boner. Is that what youse wanted? Are youse happy now?
S&W: Still no.
McBrosef: I mean, abortion is still legal, isn’t it? What’s the big deal?
S&W: Alright, I can see now this wasn’t a very good idea. I know, I know, I’m sorry for dragging you down here, but look: I’ve just had a bit of a dry spell recently in terms of getting my articles published, and I was desperate. So I figured it was either ‘stalk frat parties until something investigative-like happened’ or ‘try to get 16 reasons Why It’s OK to be White published for the 16th time this year.’ I’m running out of ideas, O.K.!?
McBrosef: Whoa, bro… Youse alright?
S&W: Yeah, yeah. I mean, I think so… I guess we’ve both made mistakes today, you get me Brosef?
McBrosef: I understand, giant talking bunny-squirrel-man. I understand. *vomit*
[Disclaimer: Rape is a terrible tragedy whenever it happens. As such, all of us here at S&W heartily believe that people who rape are bad at being people. This is a satire article, remember?]