Résumé Advice from Union College

in Humor

by Bobby Martino, Head S&W News Correspondent

interview_union

With everybody always trying to get internships, we decided to look into how to make one’s resume the best it can be. We were recently informed of a undergraduate student at Union College who was in the process of updating his resume so we sent one of our most experienced reporters, a gal who’s always thirsty for the truth, Anita Delonge-Hardcocc, to investigate.

ADH: Hi handsome. I see you’re updating your resume. Mind cluing us into some of the changes?

UCS: Sure! So it begins in the ‘Education’ section where I talk about the values of my Union College degree and some of the courses I’ve taken.

ADH:  Oh, I’ve taken some big co… oh courses, yes. Can you give me some examples of ones that you’ve listed? Like, you know, the ones you got A’s in?

UCS: Oh, we don’t get A’s here—that can be problematic for students that are minimally exceptional. We get stickers instead!

ADH: Alrighty, what courses did you get stickers in?

UCS: Well my first was a 2000 level class called History of North Asian Dildos, which was very fascinating and not commonly studied for some reason. Honestly, so few people know the difference between, say, the postmodern Mongolian Pile-Driver and the 1917 Russian Red Cocktober, or…

ADH: The Pile-Driver is 3 inches longer and battery powered.

UCS: Right!—wait, how did you know that?

ADH: Oh uhhh, yeah that’s kinda common knowled… Doesn’t matter. Anyway, any other courses?

UCS: Sure! There was an intro course called Analysis of Successful Socialist Regimes, which was only one credit and lasted a quarter of a semester for some reason. Oh, and I made it through NAPS 4034: Experiencing the REM Cycle, *whispers* but only thanks to the anime-plastered über-nerd next to me, and also I’m adding what I have this semester, which is Feminist Menstrual Blood Painting. I’m really trying to show that I got the modern liberal arts education that Union College so graciously provides.

ADH: You certainly are. So what about work experience? I’m sure a strapping young lad like yourself knows how to put those broad shoulders in gear.

UCS: This past summer, Granddad got me an internship working for Tauheed Consulting.

ADH: Really? That’s impressive. What do they do?

UCS: Their only client is Two Chainz. They tell him how many chains to wear depending on the day of the week and weather and whatnot.

ADH: Pssht, well that must be kind of hard to calculate.

UCS: Yeah, but I’m not good at math so I just brewed coffee.

ADH: Hey, at least it’s something, eh? What else do you have on your resume?

UCS: I think my ‘Achievements’ section speaks for itself.

ADH: Hmm, I see you know all the words to Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start The Fire.” Very nice. And the 5th grade Field Day Participation Prize… Don’t you think you should put something a little more recent?

UCS: But I just won that last year… This year I’m going to try for sixth grade, but that’s tough. Our hockey team could barely do it and they’re way more athletic-er than me.

ADH: Mhmmm welllll if you’re interested, after this I could show you how athletic-er I am.

UCS: Uhhhhh…

ADH: Moving on… wait, shouldn’t you put an objective at the top?

UCS: Yeah, you’re right. *picks up nearby crayon and writes “inturnsip”*

ADH: Alright then, this has been informative, but before we go… what companies are you going to send this to?

UCS: Right, yeah so some people told me to be realistic with a middle-of-the-road corporation like Sonic or Wendy’s or something, but I have confidence I can run with the big boys.

ADH: McDonald’s management track?

UCS: *nods head* McDonald’s management track!

ADH: Thank you for your time. If there is anything more you can uhh give me, I’ll be in my ’07 Saturn Ion out back.

UCS: Yeahhh, have a nice day miss.