By Someone Who Respects Themselves Too Much To Give A Real Name
The Rensselaer publication Statler & Waldorf (a.k.a. S&W), is sporadically published when members of the club are not intimidated by the eighteenth president of RPI. On Monday, April 18th, 2016, the club released its Spring 2016 issue (#16.1) with about 1250 copies being distributed around the campus late Sunday night. Upon issue release, the general student body’s initial concern quickly faded into apathy. Members of S&W voiced their concern over the fact that, “…nobody wants to be upset at the créme de la créme of the degrading humor scene here on campus,” according to one anonymous member who would only share that he held a high-ranking position within S&W. He continued to tell us that he was seriously considering disbanding the club if he couldn’t cause students to protest the club’s irreverent, often ignominious writing (which includes a
quite large extremely tiny breadstick penis in the latest issue).
Another anonymous member, who wouldn’t share his name for fear of being disgraced by respected media outlets such as The Onion, Sports Pickle, and Clickhole, told us that in order to get RPI’s protest juices flowing again this Fall, it might be time for what he coined “The Ultimate Recipe,” which turns out to be a singular effort to print and distribute a document titled “Shurlgurl69xoxo’s Famous Chocolate Chip Cookie Recipe.” I’m told that the first (and only) ingredient is 50,000 large bags of brown sugar—an idea that pays homage to the rising tuition at the school. And it does seem like this method for regaining the public’s disgust is favored by many in the club, ostensibly because of the occurrence of the infamous “brown sugar” incident at President Jackson’s town hall meeting last semester.
In keeping with my investigative duties, I independently attempted to verify Dr. Jackson’s claims that:
- Her face is on the cover of the issue in question.
- The aforementioned cover has the words “brown sugar” across the front.
- She had read the issue and consequently knew what she was talking about.
This journalist’s spidey sense was tingling, and this time it wasn’t just the next-door neighbor’s wife accidentally fondling his balls. I went back in time (a.k.a. I looked through every S&W issue printed during the lovably long tenure that Captain Jackson has had at this university), and my findings are as follows:
- Her face IS on the cover of one of their issues (Volume 3 Issue 6, 11-25-03), but said issue lacks any mention of “brown sugar.” Her face IS NOT on the cover of the only issue that DOES mention “brown sugar” (Volume 5 Issue 3, 10-17-05); what IS on the cover is a box of Chinese takeout. And their best friend is Chinese, so they can do that.
- The words “brown sugar” were not plastered across the front of any issue, nor were they printed in large letters anywhere on any issue. The only place in which “brown sugar” was mentioned was a humor article (READ: HUMOR AKA COMEDY AKA SILLY BULLSHIT) listing fictional online screen names that Dr. Jackson might use.
- She probably didn’t read the article, and probably didn’t know what she was talking about.
Suffice it to say, the aforementioned incident is one of the better ones for S&W’s desired image of offensive-to-the-point-of-popping-up-in-conversations-about-free-speech. They’re looking for further ways back into that disgraceful limelight they so crave; and if you have any suggestions on how to get their name on the tongue of every student at RPI, drop them a line at firstname.lastname@example.org or attend their regular Tuesday meetings from 7-8pm in the Union Publications Suite (room 3314).