Early this morning at 1:15 pm, RPI campus police responded to an emergency call and found RPI junior Jakob Cameron had been absorbed by his own pair of blue, denim jeans. Cameron, 20, had not removed his jeans for sixty-three consecutive days, and throughout the time-expanse, his life force and physical body were completely consumed by the pants. The jeans, having been consequently granted the miracle of life, were promptly subdued and transported to an extraction facility at Samaritan Hospital.
“We knew something was wrong as soon as the call came in ‘cause it was from a landline,” explained Officer Daryl Lukowski. After approximately a week of attending classes, meals, and Student Senate meetings, the jeans temporarily regurgitated Cameron long enough for him to get in a call on one of those prehistoric plug-in talk-to-people-thingies (his smartphone was still in the pocket of the jeans). “He’s lucky,” Lukowski continued, “his computer got unplugged. His roommate told us the jeans spit him up once before, but he just browsed Reddit until they ate him again.”
Cameron was still being extracted as of press time, but his classmate Holden Madik was available to speak with us. “I didn’t really notice any difference,” Madik explained. “If anythin’, the pants were better company.” At some time prior to the incident, Madik had asked Cameron to do something about his smell. “He was really stinkin’ up the place, and I asked him, ‘Can you just take a fuckin’ shower or something?’ He said that he was gonna when he ‘had time,’ or whatever, and then he told me how long it had been since he changed his pants. He fuckin’ actually sounded proud of himself, like I should give him a medal. Frankly, I’m surprised he had any life force left to give to the pants.”
“This kind of thing happens a few times a year, though normally with underwear,” explained Dr. Mary Whanna, the specialist assigned to Cameron’s case. “Still, it’s not unheard of for a whole pair of jeans worn for weeks on end to sap someone’s vital energies, devour their body, and assume a primitive semblance of life.”
Cameron is a computer science major.