Pathetic Freshman Joins Satire Magazine Staff

in Editorial & Opinion

So Statler & Waldorf, the self-proclaimed master baiters that they are, was at the activities fair baiting in freshman boys and girls with dick jokes and “SEX” written all over their magazines (it was purely advertisement). They didn’t have the same success rate as the circlejerk known as Greek Life, but they pulled their fair share of freshmen. After the festivities, they sent out an email blast and waited to see who would show up for a resumption of their hazing.

This fucking skinhead freshman just came into the editing room at some useless publication joint at RPI and has no problem making fun of the most unfuckable person in the room. He has no idea what his place is or how insignificant he is. He started a few weeks ago and needs to make friends badly, as high school was quite the antisocial affair for him. People would know his name and say “hello,” but they never really asked to sit with him at lunch, play video games, or watch porn together. He was his own right-hand man for a long time, so to speak: his own best friend, if you will. And the only person he can really talk to nowadays is his girl best friend from high school, and that’s just quite sad. She’s gay too, which makes the relationship even more of a tease.

He wonders why he’s so miserable all the time. He thought that perhaps if he could prove he was better than the Managing Editor of S&W, his papier-mâché ego would be satisfied. But wait— the officer obviously could’ve pulled rank on him. He had the power to do something about it. But… maybe he enjoyed it? Yes… given that they were making fun of Shirley together, there may in fact have been something more…

Or the writer of this article is just fantasizing about a lover. He’s totally not a hopeless case of lonesomeness.

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