By The Nerdlings At NRB 2016
Feasting on the souls of his beaten, battered opponents, Donald John Tiberius Trump lept from the stands in such a furor so as to attract the terrible attention of the ever-vibrant Ryan Lochte. Then some action-y stuff happened. I’d go into more detail, but things were just going too fast to catch. Trump is surprisingly quick for a man whose only idea of exercise is lying.
Anyway, eventually there was a truce (by which I mean Lochte fell asleep). Ostensibly, Trump found a degree of affinity for the poor sop, dragged some nearby spleef across his lips to wake him, and proceeded to invite Lochte to join his campaign staff because he quote, “does it as it is.” Lochte was amused.
Moments later, when asking about the interviewing process, Lochte heard an elevator ding and immediately jumped into the adjacent Trump-sized Trump-pool; but it wasn’t made of beer so he didn’t do very well. Yes, Lochte is now only willing to swim in beer.
After receiving his title of “Honey Bunch,” Lochte did in fact decide to join the Trump-Train, having been hastily appointed as Head of the Wall and Beer Moat Initiative Committee. He is now stationed on the border of Mexico, and the moat has since been filled with tequila.
Back in Rio, after taking the gold in Public Offense, Public Outrage, and Looking the Most like a Cheese Curl, the future president, having been informed by the future vice president that NY was a swing state, decided to swing by good ‘ole RPI. Having newly self-identified as a macaroni-and-cheese noodle, he cried bloody murder upon seeing the present Sodexo staff’s apparent defamation and wanted to put his poor, malformed kin out of their misery.
So he did.
And then some “non”-Statler-&-Waldorf-affiliated, blood-covered “doctor” walked into the cafeteria and yelled, “I swear, if you ask me ONE MORE TIME to write another gosh-darned article about how Sodexo food tastes like less-flavorful cardboard, I’m telling everyone in this room that Trump has The Zika!” And, appropriately, it was later found out by even MORE unrelated parties that Trump had indeed contracted Zika in Brazil after learning the ancient art of cannibalism from the chief of a nearby Insperatus tribe, Shaman M. Night Shamalanlan.