Donald J. Trump, the infamous asshole-turned-businessman-turned-politician, was diagnosed with the Zika virus in Brazil. Top scientists familiar with the Zika epidemic are currently attempting to understand the situation and how Trump contracted the disease. When asked for comment, the head of the CDC, Pomponius van Rompe, said “we’re revising our understanding of the virus, in that this isolated incident may show that not only infants but also big babies are being adversely affected by Zika.” We asked van Rompe if there was a chance that Trump’s incredibly large ego would shrink to a relatively normal (if not slightly inflated) size, but he told us that he couldn’t speculate about the effects of Zika on heads filled mostly with air.
To fulfill our duties as totally legitimate news reporters, we also tracked down the mosquito who infected Trump while he attended the recent summer Olympic Games in Brazil. According to the mosquito, who requested not to be named so that Trump couldn’t attempt to sue him, the bite was absolutely intended for the businessman and not another random act of mosquito aggression. “I really wanted to ensure that such a horrible man couldn’t get away with being in Brazil without having a taste of the local culture—the Zika virus. I also enlisted my avian friends to crap on his hair, but once they did Trump just exchanged toupees and went merrily on his way.”
Trump issued a press release just moments ago confirming the diagnosis:
I am very upset that I have been diagnosed with such a terrible disease. The American dream is not to be shat on by silly foreign birds and bitten by mosquitoes on Hillary’s payroll, so I am now announcing that when I am elected President I will be building the best defense (a ten-mile high wall) around Brazil—and will make them pay for it. People will say “Donald, how can we build this wall?” and I will just tell them that we have the greatest… the best people in the world in this country! The best! Because America is great! Those Mexicans from Brazil are bringing drugs, they’re bringing crimes, they’re rapists and it must be stopped now. We’re going to build the wall and then we’re going to stop it. I will build a great wall—and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me—and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words because my IQ is one of the highest—and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure; it’s not your fault. We will make America great again!