Interviewer: Hello everyone. Thank you for sitting with me today.
Mac: I believe you meant to say “iHello”, and you are Apple® Welcome.
Windows: “Windows is installing updates (25% Completed). Please do not turn off your computer.”
Interviewer: I believe the most important topic on everyone’s mind is the economy. How do you propose to jumpstart an economic system that many people feel just isn’t working for them?
Mac: Simple: name-brand product revenue. I’ve already preordered my $159 wireless earpods, bought my $99 iPencil, my $250 Apple watch, a $1500 iCat, a $250,000 Apple Car, and I’ve preordered a $1,000,000 Apple House in jet-black. And the best part is I only waited in line for a total 96 hours! Just try to be poor with allLook at all the business going around!
Windows: Meh. I’ll probably buy a $5 mouse and some cheap headphones. Meanwhile, I’ll actually contribute to the economy with money I spent on things I want, not overpriced junk from Apple. Honestly, why am I even at this debate? All I use my computer for is cat videos and Steam games and cat videos.
Interview@ubuntu:~$ cd interview_files
Interview@ubuntu:~/interview_files$ cat Remark_1
Well, if everyone used open source software, hardware, consumer ware, etc., we wouldn’t have an economic problem. The freedom and productivity of open source connectivity far outweighs human need for material wealth. The only real use for money is to buy better hardware to run my computer.
Interviewer: My next question involves the internet. What do you feel is the best and most efficient way to access the massive stream of online data?
Mac: Safari all the way! A browser built for Apple, by Apple. I use it on my Mac, iPhone, iPad, iPod, and anything else made by the greatest computing company on the Earth! There is no alternative, at least not one that works well on a Mac.
Windows: So, I could use Edge, but we all know that’s a load of Microsoft BS intended to steal my data. It’s okay though, they’ll find another way. I’ll just flip a coin and pick Chrome or Firefox.
With Windows 10, you can now browse the web with MicrosoftⓇ Edge™! Now with Edge™ (which is not AT ALL a rebranded MicrosoftⓇ Internet Explorer™), you can browse more quickly, invasively, and securely. Best of all, if you are running an older MicrosoftⓇ Windows™ version, you can expect MicrosoftⓇ Windows™ to be on your computer by 3:30 am, because we’ve already scheduled an upgrade for you.
Interview@ubuntu:~/interview_files$ cat Remark_2
GNU Emacs now includes a web browser. Plus, who needs a web browser when you can do everything from the terminal? I’ve watched entire videos in binary.
Interviewer: My final question, security. Which of you offers the best security?
Mac: Obviously a Mac. You need to be able to configure a machine in order to actually cause problems. With a Mac, it’s practically impossible to get a virus because there’s nothing to change. Why even bother changing the perfection that came out of an apple store?
Bill Gates: Microsoft security is top notch. No one will know that the user’s social security number is 518-62-1650, or that his credit card number is 0118-9998-8199-9119, or that his Facebook password is: mylittleponylover122.
Interview@ubuntu:~/interview_files$ cat Remark_3
Security can only be achieved through constant updates. Believe me, if an application isn’t updated every 5 minutes, I immediately remove it. Now, if everyone learned every programming language and became an open-source developer, my apps would always be up-to-date!
Interviewer: Thank you all for your time. I believe it is now up to the people to decide how best to procrastinate and not get work done.