By Dr. Bathroom
Let’s get the setting down. S&W’s table is covered by copies of two versions of our issues. One with the word “SEX” prominently displayed in large letters, and one with a female on the front, because we’re realists. And I don’t know which money-for-brains administrator thought it was a good idea, but The Great Satan (a.k.a. The Polytechnic) is on our left, trying to get leptons to join their tissue-paper-making club or something. But rest assured, we did all we could to try and save passing troglodytes from a fate worse than repeat syndication.
Our first idea was trite but effective (like roughly half of everything we do). In a stream of genius, our fearless, incredibly sexy leader ripped a sheet of lined-paper from his Collegiate-store-issued 70-page journal, and penned down that old proverbial phrase:
With fervor he attached the sheet to his S&W-issued clipboard, and began the hour-long task of manually erecting (ladies) the sign for all to see. It would’ve been longer, but eventually Jack (the Editor in Chief for The Great Satan) grew some huevos and swiped the board from our grasp. Then began the hour-long task of holding up the words “<====Awesome Meh====>”. And as backup, we stood up two other signs, one of which advertised “Free Herpes====>”. We’re all adults.
So that’s how we put The Poly in its place. But I’m told member-garnering is the real reason we were there, so let’s talk about that, I guess. One of our hooks was to hold up our latest issue, point at the prominent words, and ask all who passed (or really anyone we could lock eyes with), “Do You Like Sex, Sir?” which very clearly and efficiently separated the weak from the strong. Another like-minded hook was to hold up a page featuring a shapely breadstick seated betwixt two bread-balls and ask, “Does this arouse you?” Similar results.
What made this particularly sad (like everything else we do) was that the comic-genius administrator placed us directly across from the “Chinese Christian Association.” People came looking for religion, and we provided.
Oddly enough this hook, posted later on Reddit so as to tease this very article, didn’t do so hot.
After looking up the dictionary meaning of “shitposting” for the first time ever,
we concluded S&W had made some sort of French faux pas and immediately, collectively, and triumphantly cried ourselves to sleep. We’re a magazine girl in a scary web world.
But we woke up refreshed, and with a clear head decided amongst ourselves to slit our wrists on camera. RPITV has agreed to film the event (and tidy up afterwards) and intersperse the footage with photos of Kanye West stealing the mic from Taylor Swift, Michael Jackson touching himself, and sad crocodiles with bloody bunnies in their craw, all overlaid with Randy Newman’s version of the song “Friday” by Rebbeca Black.
Hey, but at least we’re in this week’s Reddit Survey!