By Peter Wood
At approximately sometime yesterday, eyewitnesses reported a thing happening right outside the general vicinity of a place. This represents a landmark occurrence; things happening near places is rare enough as it is, and this specific place has not had any things happen anywhere in its vicinity since at least a few days ago. People who are experts in this sort of thing are projecting that the thing may, if conditions are conducive enough, happen again in the next whole bunch of days.
However, the thing is not without its detractors. Some guy, a noted skeptic and thing truther, told reporters that it is unlikely that the thing actually happened. He cited at least a few incidents in which this sort of thing was reported to have happened but in fact did not, or—even more scandalously—something else happened instead. Authorities are still contacting eyewitnesses to figure out whether the thing happened or not, and if so, what kind of thing it was.
Some people have suggested connections between this thing and an event that happened a couple of days prior in a comparable place, as the supposed thing and the event both happened under circumstances, and several of the circumstances were approximately identical. Regardless, this should give everyone a reason to avoid kumquats on Tuesdays.