By Kristan Tate
“Spread the word of MEOW.” Such was the command given to me by the friend who introduced me to the edifying, resuscitating force known as KittyKeys, a Google Chrome/Firefox App of singular proportions. For, you see, it accomplishes the glorious, righteous act of pleasuring me with cat sounds as I type. AS I TYPE, YOU FOOLS! And not just cats. They couldn’t stop there; their duty was too precious. Heed the tagline, “Listen to cats, kittens, and kitties as you type!” As far as you’re concerned, that covers all types of feline sounds!
Now, I’d be content with just sounds. Honestly, I would. The hold of the toxoplasma gondii isn’t yet so strong that I absolutely need to be physically surrounded by cats all the time. But these KittyKeys people know exactly what they’re doing. I kid you not when I say there are SECRET COMBINATIONS. Shh! Keep it down!
If you’ve the wherewithal and mental fortitude to type “cat”, a cutesy facsimile (yes, I KNOW that was redundant) of one’s decapitated head appears center-screen and soundlessly meows at you! Incredible! And is your heart brave enough to type “meow”? Then you’ll be greeted by the same cat head, but now it speaks! It says meow!
And I say meow back. Thank you, meows. If it weren’t for meows, I’d meowser never meows meows meows. Truly, you are meows meows meows God, and meows meows meows meows meows OK I’m done you get the joke get up and go do something besides read me half-sarcastically gush over cats for the 900th time (I’ve been counting). Go, I command it!
P.S. This missive did not result in the harm of any real cats. Though you wouldn’t know that from asking any of them, the ungrateful hairy lizards.
P.P.S. I just want to hug you, Mrs. Biggles!