The Complete Moron’s Guide to Science (Part 2: Chemistry)

in Humor

Chemistry is widely considered the most aesthetically appealing of the sciences, because it is concerned mostly with putting brightly-colored liquids into strangely-shaped glassware and staring intently into it. But what is chemistry, anyway? Chemistry is formally defined as the study of matter. (As you will recall from last time, physics studies both matter and doesn’t matter, which makes chemistry approximately twice as important as physics.) More specifically, matter in the form of chemicals, which are those things that the Illuminazi conspiracies put in your drinking water to make you more willing to buy iPhones. (Or at least that is what my crazy uncle told me, and he would know because I’ve heard he has a “chemical dependency”, which as far as I can tell means the entire field of chemistry depends on what he says.)

One of the most important devices used in chemistry is the Periodic Table. This is a fairly large table that contains samples of all the elements, and more elements are added to it periodically. The first periodic tables contained only four elements (fire, air, water, earth, and incorrect mathematics), but modern tables have over a hundred more, such as oxygen, ytterbium, delirium, and the element of surprise. The very first periodic table was made by taking a water table (a similar device used in geology) and adding three more elements to it.

Most research in chemistry concerns itself with the topic of chemical reactions. One of the most popular is “My bro Dave react’s [sic] to 3 molar potassium permanganate solution”, which has over 6.02×1023 views on youtube. Also popular are reactions between acids and bases. Acids and bases can be easily distinguished by what happens when they are dropped. Dropping acid leads to vivid hallucinations, whereas dropping a base only results in loud “wub wub wub” sounds. Some acids are stronger than others, and thus can neutralize more bases. There are acids that can neutralize up to three bases at the same time, and in a few rare cases even four. This reaction is known as a “home run” and any chemist who accomplishes it is awarded great recognition.

From the baking powder in your phone to the batteries in your bread, chemistry is everywhere. Join us next time, when we talk about more science (unless we don’t).