RPI Announces New Ethnically-Sensitive Dorm Names

in Humor

by Kristan Tate

In a move of unparalleled wisdom, our resident President Shirley Ann Jackson, in her campaign of tolerance and cultural sensitivity, has decided to come clean and admit that all of the dorms in Quad were originally created to house separate ethnic groups. As a show of good faith, not only has she released the specific ethnicity tag(s) of each dorm name and mandated that the dorm names be changed accordingly, but, in her infinite generosity, everyone in Quad is to be reorganized by ethnicity to “better facilitate overall cleanliness,” as the Honorable president Dr. Jackson put it.

She went on to comment on how this reorganization of quad students presented a “complex [challenge]… [but also a] new [opportunity], [much of which is] data-driven, [of course, but nonetheless] require[s this] [university] to re-envision [itself] as [something] that bring[s] together brilliant people across sectors and global regions, [to be separated].” When asked just what in the hell that meant, the Honorable god-king Captain president Dr. Shirley Ann Jackson probably mumbled something about the former system not being resilient enough.

A Totally Not Stolen Picture of Dr. Jackson Thinking About How Awesome Her New Plan Is

 

Ethnic Group

Current Dorm Name(s)

Explanation(s) by THE HONORABLE DOCTOR SHIRLEY ANN JACKSON

New Dorm Name

Caucasians

White I – IV

.

.

Church I – III

“If you don’t get this you’re an idiot, and obviously not welcome in this particular dorm.”

“Of course Jesus was white. Why do you ask?”

Winning! I – XIII

Blacks

MacDonald

.

Roebling

.

Church IV – VI

“There’s more than one reason all of us are dying of diabetes.”

“Because of all those ballers who’ve replaced their grill with a row of bling.”

“Of course Jesus was black. Why do you ask?”

Sup, D?

Asians

Cooper

“Now, I know most people think that Mini Coopers are made in the U.K. and the Netherlands, but, c’mon, think about it.”

$500 per Lab Report I – IV

Native Americans

Hunt I – III

Buck

“Because, from what I’ve heard, they LOVE to hunt.”

“Especially deer!”

Reserved I/2

Latinos

Pardee

“You know it’s a good party when you wake up 3 days later naked in the Sahara. Am I right, Juan? ‘Course I am. I’m the Archmage, Son!”

Quinceanera I6

Canadians

Caldwell

“What? … What’s ‘Caldwell’? Oh… then I guess just give it to the Canadians.”

Sorry

 

I am very seriously sorry for writing this article. I promise it won’t happen again. Probably