It’s 2016 And Nobody Knows WTF is going on
Since 2016 has been such a goddamn year already, we’re just need to take a minute to collect ourselves. We started January like we would any others, with great hopes and crippling hangovers.
Since then, I’m pretty sure the world has been losing it’s collective minds. Every field from entertainment, finance, politics has been plagued with the most wild of months ever imagined.
In memoriam: Everyone aged 69, Snape (“By Grabthar’s Hammer You Shall Be Avenged.”), Eagles guy (I’m playing Hotel California later just 4 u), Starman (Ok yeah it’s sad but people can stop moping now). January saw celebrities dropping like flies, but at least they saw the world before this madness.
Stocks tumbled in January due to a significant drop in the price of oil. As oil slumped to under $30 a barrel, stocks reached a low at about 10% of their end of year levels. One previously profitable baron by the name of Martin Shkreli made his money in pharmaceuticals. He’s a self renowned bad boy that got into some trouble with the feds in December. He previously acquired the only copy of a Wu-Tang album, and the last picture I saw of it he was using it as a coaster. He recently released a video dissing Ghostface Killah calling him “Rusty af” and threatening to cut him out of the album and rap history. There were talks of Martin bailing out NY rap star Bobby Shmurda but they fell through when Martin got put behind his own bars.
Flat Earthers are a thing again too? God dammit. These are things that I shouldn’t expect from society but still do. Kanye likes his butthole blasted, Meek Mill still doesn’t exist, Jeb Bush is somewhere crying softly in the bathroom of a Chili’s. The Republican field is like war games in and of itself. Every candidate is just standing in a desert 20 meters apart and holding 2 revolvers. Half of them just shoot themselves in the head.
And for most people the winning move really is not to play. Voter turnout is abysmal in spite of everyone shouting their opinions on the internet. For a world that has the most instantly accessible information that we have ever seen, we hardly think to use it before we zealously bless others with our sacred wisdom.
I’m really not too sure where 2016 is headed. We’re on a wild ride that doesn’t end, and the track is being built as we go along.
As much as we like to think we know what is happening, we never really do.