How To Get People To Stop Talking To You

in Humor

By Kristan Tate

Winter 2012. Our canadian cousins are over for the festivities and one of them is eyeing me like I’m a dead cat in a stream. “Don’t you want children?”, she asks. I responded, “Well that would just be mean at this point, don’t you think?” She didn’t laugh.

I say that to say this: if anyone is more qualified to teach you how to drive people away, I’d like to meet them. And then never again meet them.

  • Growing up in school, if anyone tries to ask you out, ridicule them profusely in front of as many people as possible for as long as possible, insisting they’ve made some sort of mistake throughout. Try to make them cry, that should smooth the process along immensely.

  • Find the movie “How to Lose Friends and Alienate People”. It’s probably under some rocks or something. Memorize it and occasionally act out your favourite scenes from the movie as the titular Simon Pegg with your peers acting as all of the other characters. Just be sure to never answer their queries of “Are you alright?”, “What’s going on?”, or “Why are you acting this way?”

  • Bark like a dog. A big dog. [If you’re under the age of 20, feel free to look that up.]

  • Constantly listen to fractal music without using headphones.

  • When you’re walking about and you see a human being you know, pretend their eyes are full of spiders and act accordingly. And organically, if you like the Earth or something.

  • When graduating schools, be sure to write something to the effect of “Where’s the kush at?’ – Yournamehere” on all of your classmates yearbooks. If your classmates are too poor to own a yearbook, buy them one, tear out every page but the last one (in front of them) and hand them said page after writing upon it “Where’s the kush at, you bum?’ – Mynamegoes here.”

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