Cerebral Pantsings Six: This Series Has Met The Sticks

in Culture

Kanye West’s “Flashing Lights”: First Encounter

While “Shake it Off” had lyrics so bad they hurt my brain, and “Let it Go” was certainly the worst song of the bunch, Kanye, as always, has produced the scariest media possible. At first glance, it might seem this song is about Kanye coming to terms with the fact that, yes, you can actually show off too much. But wait, Kanye becoming self-aware? Haha – not possible. Think about it: we’re talking about the same dude that appeared on Rolling Stones with a crown of thorns on his head (you’re not fooling anyone, Kanye – Jesus was white). Here’s the only REAL explanation:

ALIENS.jpg

She don’t believe in shootin’ stars,

but she believe in shoes & cars

Wood floors in the new apartment,

couture from the store’s department

You more like L’eau de Stardee shit,

I’m more of the, trips to Florida

Order the hors-d’ouevres, views of the Water

Straight from the page of your favorite author

These first lines describe the relationship between himself and whomever his girlfriend was at the time. She’s a materialistic idiot who doesn’t believe in anything that exists more than three inches above her hairline. And that’s just how Kanye likes it. When you’re an alien in disguise sent here to re-define humanity’s definition of stupidity, you need to keep your true identity from getting out. Kanye needs the dumbest of dumb broads whenever he’s choosing a potential mate.

And the weather so breezy,

man why can’t life always be this easy

She in the mirror dancing so sleazy,

I get a call like where are you Yeezy

Try to hit you with a ‘Oeur de Whopee’

Till I get flashed by the paparazzi

Damn, these niggas got me,

I hate these niggas more than the Nazis

So here they are in Florida. He’s relaxing while she’s grooving in front of a mirror, presumably because she thinks her reflection is actually another human being and is trying to prove it via battledance. Things are going normally. That is, until Kanye’s cell phone goes off. He picks it up, and a gravely voice says “Where are you Yeezy?”. Nonsense lyric? Not quite. You see, conferring with my friends in Area 52, I’ve found at that this is actually a code work that acts as a super-accurate homing beacon for most extraterrestrial ships. As the UFO heads to his location, its driver needs to be sure that Kanye doesn’t move from his general location, the unpredictable conundrum that he is, so he hits his girlfriend which I’ve translated as “Beam of Whoopi”: an energy wave that turns any large multicellular organic it touches into a semblance of Whoopi Goldberg. Intrigued, Kanye can do nothing but approach this changed being, probably to try and get her into his new music video. This sidetracks Kanye long enough to be picked up by a levitation beam, evidenced by the “flashing lights” mentioned throughout the piece. And why does Kanye so despise these aliens? Because his wife is an alien.

As I recall, I know you love to show off

But I never thought that you would take it this far

What do I know? Flashing lights, lights

What do I know? Flashing lights, lights

This is his wife speaking now, the one who’s driving the ship. In a jealous rage, she’s decided to come down to try to talk some sense into Kanye (yeah, she’s sort of dumb, too). She comments on how much of a two-timing dummy he is.

I know it’s been a while,

Sweetheart, we hard-ly talk, I was doing my thing

I know I was foul bay-bay,

a-bay late-ly you been all on my brain,

And if somebody would’ve told me a month ago

Fronting though, yo I wouldn’t wanna know

If somebody would’ve told me a year ago

it’d go, get this difficult

Feeling like Katrina with no fema

Like Martin with no Gina

Like a flight with no visa

First class with the seat back I still see ya

In my past, you on the other side of the glass

Of my memory’s museum,

I’m just saying, Hey Mona Lisa,

come home you know you can’t Rome without Caesar

Kanye retorts, as he often does, by explaining that it’s his work that causes him to act like a headless, blinged-out chicken from always to always. He attempts to smooth talk his way out of her rage, but quickly sees that the only way he’ll get out of this is by suggesting they go away together. So they do, and they Kanye they left behind is just a robot programmed to be as stupid as possible. In conclusion, it’s totally alright to kill Kanye the next time any of you see him. Godspeed.