I Regret Everything: Texting People – Dude Edition

in Humor

By Kristan Tate

This time around, I’d like to focus on text messages between me and dude people. Granted, this article is a bit shorter than the female version (READ IT!), but that’s because I’m kind of a pimp like that.

P.S. For the most part, all of these are unedited. Granted, I have made certain that the dudes’ identities are protected.

P.P.S. My apologies if you were looking for failed sexual exploits and the like… you’ve still come to the wrong editor.

In which I promptly change address

Dude 1: Duuuuuuude

I got a question

Have you ever had friends over at your place?

Me: briefly and shockingly, yes

Dude 1: Your parents were ok with it?

Me: they usually want them to stay longer, yes

Dude 1: Sounds like you don’t have people over usually

Where do you live dude

Me: lol why?

Dude 1: Because man

We gonna come visit you

Me 1: hahahaha nope

Dude 1: Why not dude

Me: Because

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4F4qzPbcFiA

 

Dude 1: No it’s not

Just friends being friends

Me: eh…

no

My home is off limits

Dude 1: Do you not love me anymore

Why dude

What about all the love we shared

Me: eww, get rid of it

—————————————————————————————————————————-

In which I defend my reputation

 

Dude 2: Dude I just read that comment on that one post on that one group thingy… You’re a mean person, I realize now

 

Me: lol what?

 

Dude 2: Haha dude that one

Hold on let me check where it is again

Dude in [that] group thing

Me: [you] give out service learning hours if people talk to you?

that one?

Dude 2: [A Female] put message me for service learning hours. Something like that. Then you put, “you give people hours if they talk to you?”

“That’s a sad life”

Dang it Tate let me finish once in a while I was telling you children a story

 

Me: In my defense, it was [A Nickname for a Female]’s fault for not making her statement infallible.

You call her [A Nickname for a Female]?

Dude 2: yea

You call her that in person too?

I would like to hear this sometime. I think it would sound funny

Me: yea

Dude 2: Dude does she slap you when you call her that?

Me: uh, no

she’s too short to reach my face.

 

Dude 2: Haha

Dude you’re pretty short too

 

Me: shut up when I’m making fun of people

 

————————————————————————————————————————-

In Which I Aim to Relate to a Fellow African-American

Me: YO

Do you recall how much money we get to work with in [a certain group]?

Dude 3: Some where around [a certain amount of money] and don’t say “yo”.

Me: awesome, thanks

and why not?

It makes me feel like a gangster.

Dude 3:… YOUR NOT GANGESTER YOUR [CAUCASIAN] WITH CHEMICALS ON YOU THAT CHANGE YOUR SKIN COLOR

Me: same thing.

Dude 3: that is quite far from the truth north and south pole far, think im going to fall off the world cause its flat so i have to turn around far

Me: Did punctuation sleep with your mother or something?

Dude 3: no my wife no go away everytime you write something it makes my screen weird

Me: Every time your type something, it makes the internet cry.

Dude 3: every second your alive [the incorrectly spelled name of a certain mutual acquaintance] dies a little

Me: That’s not even how you spell his name.

Dude 3: [THE CORRECTLY SPELLED NAME OF A CERTAIN MUTUAL ACQUAINTANCE] NOW FUCK OFF DUDE TRYING TO PLAY TETRIS

Me: So much anger…

Dude 3: i will push you off a cliff and tell eveyone your dumb ass fell and have you remeberd as the guy who fucking walked off a cliff

Me: lol this doesn’t seem like tetris.

Dude 3: look kid

you need jesus or a muzzle

and youll never get into mit they reserved the wholl school for me

Me: Why, because you’re fat?

Dude 3: no

With my potential once i become alumni they will have no need to bring in students

ILL GIVE THEM ALL THE MONEY

CAUSE ILLL BE RICH AND YOULL WORK FOR ME!!!!

Me: Excuse me, I think you dropped this:

https://www.google.com/search?q=diary+of+a+mad+black+woman&espv=210&es_sm=122&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=CJSqUonwOcLxoATA_YDgBw&ved=0CAkQ_AUoAQ&biw=1600&bih=774#imgdii=_