By Kristan Tate
This time around, I’d like to focus on text messages between me and dude people. Granted, this article is a bit shorter than the female version (READ IT!), but that’s because I’m kind of a pimp like that.
P.S. For the most part, all of these are unedited. Granted, I have made certain that the dudes’ identities are protected.
P.P.S. My apologies if you were looking for failed sexual exploits and the like… you’ve still come to the wrong editor.
In which I promptly change address
Dude 1: Duuuuuuude
I got a question
Have you ever had friends over at your place?
Me: briefly and shockingly, yes
Dude 1: Your parents were ok with it?
Me: they usually want them to stay longer, yes
Dude 1: Sounds like you don’t have people over usually
Where do you live dude
Me: lol why?
Dude 1: Because man
We gonna come visit you
Me 1: hahahaha nope
Dude 1: Why not dude
Dude 1: No it’s not
Just friends being friends
My home is off limits
Dude 1: Do you not love me anymore
What about all the love we shared
Me: eww, get rid of it
In which I defend my reputation
Dude 2: Dude I just read that comment on that one post on that one group thingy… You’re a mean person, I realize now
Me: lol what?
Dude 2: Haha dude that one
Hold on let me check where it is again
Dude in [that] group thing
Me: [you] give out service learning hours if people talk to you?
Dude 2: [A Female] put message me for service learning hours. Something like that. Then you put, “you give people hours if they talk to you?”
“That’s a sad life”
Dang it Tate let me finish once in a while I was telling you children a story
Me: In my defense, it was [A Nickname for a Female]’s fault for not making her statement infallible.
You call her [A Nickname for a Female]?
Dude 2: yea
You call her that in person too?
I would like to hear this sometime. I think it would sound funny
Dude 2: Dude does she slap you when you call her that?
Me: uh, no
she’s too short to reach my face.
Dude 2: Haha
Dude you’re pretty short too
Me: shut up when I’m making fun of people
In Which I Aim to Relate to a Fellow African-American
Do you recall how much money we get to work with in [a certain group]?
Dude 3: Some where around [a certain amount of money] and don’t say “yo”.
Me: awesome, thanks
and why not?
It makes me feel like a gangster.
Dude 3:… YOUR NOT GANGESTER YOUR [CAUCASIAN] WITH CHEMICALS ON YOU THAT CHANGE YOUR SKIN COLOR
Me: same thing.
Dude 3: that is quite far from the truth north and south pole far, think im going to fall off the world cause its flat so i have to turn around far
Me: Did punctuation sleep with your mother or something?
Dude 3: no my wife no go away everytime you write something it makes my screen weird
Me: Every time your type something, it makes the internet cry.
Dude 3: every second your alive [the incorrectly spelled name of a certain mutual acquaintance] dies a little
Me: That’s not even how you spell his name.
Dude 3: [THE CORRECTLY SPELLED NAME OF A CERTAIN MUTUAL ACQUAINTANCE] NOW FUCK OFF DUDE TRYING TO PLAY TETRIS
Me: So much anger…
Dude 3: i will push you off a cliff and tell eveyone your dumb ass fell and have you remeberd as the guy who fucking walked off a cliff
Me: lol this doesn’t seem like tetris.
Dude 3: look kid
you need jesus or a muzzle
and youll never get into mit they reserved the wholl school for me
Me: Why, because you’re fat?
Dude 3: no
With my potential once i become alumni they will have no need to bring in students
ILL GIVE THEM ALL THE MONEY
CAUSE ILLL BE RICH AND YOULL WORK FOR ME!!!!
Me: Excuse me, I think you dropped this: