Why Our Money Is Dumb

in Humor

By Somebody With Too Much

I’ve always hated money. Too many people have too much, and too many people don’t have enough. In a perfect world, the very concept would be reprehensible. Why would you need to give people goods/services according to their level of service to the community if everyone was already doing their due diligence? You wouldn’t. But we don’t live in a perfect world; we live in a world where people need to be given an incentive to work both earnestly and honestly. So even though I hate money, I recognize its merit.

What I refuse to recognize as useful is the penny. Why does it exist? In what plane of existence has a penny made any difference? Has a deal ever been brokered or lost because of a penny? Has anyone ever been bankrupt because they bet a penny on the ponies? Has anyone ever bust a cap in anyone’s donkey because they failed to obtain their monthly protection installment of a penny? No no, and no. I mean, come on, even in the 1920s it was only worth like 20¢. And as far as I’m concerned, that’s about when the universe was created.


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You can tell because of how flippin’ insane it looks, and how if you look long enough you slowly come to the realization that life is meaningless.

But I digress. My point is that pennies don’t matter. They’re an inconvenience at best and slightly accidental litter at worst. I’ll say it right now: the only good that ever came of a penny was when that one guy laid one on his penis in a dick-pic to show scale.


You can’t tell, but his twinkie is out. Also he’s a Simpsons’ character.

They’re a pain to deal with, and the world would be better off without them, I think we can all agree. “But what about other coins,” you ask, “Nickels, dimes, quarters, etc: would life be better without those?” Cheese and rice, who do you think you are, my editor? Well I was going to start talking about all those other pieces before you interrupted me, but you know what? Now I’m not going to give the satisfaction. Yeah, internet, you just lost out on like a whole page of why quaters are the devil’s testicles. It was comedy genius, I tell you! And you made me put it away! That’s right, go up to your room and think about what you did. Go!

Sigh… fine. If you won’t leave, I guess there is one more topic that I might lend my significantly glorious insight to. Come, my children, open your ears and shut your damned mouths.

I also refuse to recognize the effectiveness of dollar bills. They’re too destroyable. It’s literally harder for me to open a soda can than it is for me to tear a dollar in half. Sure, if I do the latter in front of a cop, he might kill me until I’m dead. But it shouldn’t be that easy to begin with. If you give a personification of Leonardo’s Vitruvian Man the option of destroying 1 dollar versus the option of opening up and enjoying a 1 dollar beverage, even if the former risks pain, there’s a large part of him that’ll prefer anarchy over the taste of coke. And I don’t care if you’re V from Vendetta himself, you should never be able to set fire to the establishment that easily.


Please don’t try to print this out. We really don’t want to be on the NSA’s watch-list for both counterfeit AND murder.

In summary: all of our money sucks. I’d say get rid of all this paper and coin and opt for electronic cash, but 1. Not everyone has access to computers on a regular basis and 2. It’s way too easy for that stuff to be stolen.

And remember kids, if crazy people like me weren’t here to keep their cash in the walls, you wouldn’t know the meaning of redneck.