The Broken Phone Chronicles

in Editorial & Opinion

By Thomas Lloyd

It’s hard to live a normal life without a cellphone these days. They can do so much, but their best feature is their endless ability to kill time. We wake up everyday and check our phones immediately, looking at our email, Facebook, Instagram, Tinder, and Twitter accounts. We need not to do these things, but we must because we are addicted. The phone is an extension of ourselves, a quality of great design and great marketing. For most, it’s hard to imagine spending a day without a phone. What would we do without a phone, read books printed on paper? Dead trees? Usually, the only paper I use is rolled up and smoked. I know I’ve had a good day when I don’t touch a single piece of book.

Unfortunately, sometimes we have lapses in our access to cellphones. They are lost, or break due to every floor being too fucking hard and unforgiving on glass screens. My last phone broke when it was in my pocket while I dropped trou to partake in adult activities. Imagine my surprise when I pulled out my peni- my phone to see that the screen looked like a dull, one note mosaic. Since that moment, as I’ve yet to buy a new phone, I’ve been technologically receding back into the dark ages.

I’m officially Amish now. I spend most of my days building furniture. Coming up is my time of rumspringa, the point in an Amish youth’s life where they decide if they want to leave the church or remain living within the old country lifestyle. Without a phone in my fat fucking American face, I’ve had some good times. I’m having regular human connections again. It’s almost like living in a car insurance commercial, I have a nice family with a nice house and we’re all around the dinner table talking and laughing and all that stuff that existed before cell phones.

But, I do miss my phone. I see that sleek, shiny piece of engineering in my dreams. I long for the days of ignoring my family and peers to read articles like “30 Ways You’re Exactly Like a Disney Princess” I miss playing silly, mind-numbing games all the time, and without my phone, my Angry Birds t-shirt from Walmart mocks me from the closet.

Rumspringa is a formative time in an Amish person’s life. My decision will affect the rest of my life. I can take comfort in knowing that if I choose my phone, I can leave it at anytime and the Amish church will take me back. However, if I choose the church and later change my mind to leave my family for my phone, I will be shunned and never speak to or see my family ever again.

I think I’m leaning towards getting a new phone. The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool.