Local Student Horrified To Discover He Is NPC

in Humor

By Peter Wood

This past Tuesday, Aidan Stone, a second-year student dual-majoring in communications and game design, was utterly devastated when he heard the news that the rest of his life would be spent giving fairly useless pieces of lore to passersby. “People had always looked at me funny, called me repetitive, just because I would always announce that the cave to the east is rumored to contain great riches,” Stone told an interviewer. He went on to say, “I mean, it’s like my catch phrase, you know? I used to think I had Tourette’s or something, but this… it just puts my entire life in a new light.” Stone’s game design professor Richard Spimmings, who diagnosed his condition, stated that “all the warning signs are there, from pacing around in the same spot as a hobby to not caring when people come into his room and break his stuff.” In fact, just a week prior to his diagnosis, Zake Kav’eb, a classmate of his who is famous around the school for his bright purple spiked hair and the eight-foot sword he carries around at all times, walked into Stone’s dorm room and swung his sword at Stone’s bookcase. Stone, however, declined to report the incident to Public Safety because “Zake found, like, three new spells in there. How’s he going to kill the Dark Lord and restore the Balance without them?” At the end of our interview with him, Stone said that he takes comfort in the fact that he has a unique character model and is thus probably going to be plot-relevant later on.