‘Illuminazis Do Not Exist’ Claims Prominent Illuminazi Leader

in Humor

Reported on by Peter Wood

In his fourth such public announcement, Adolf Weishaupt, Überpriest of the Illuminazis, declared again that any claims of the existence of such an organization as the Illuminazis are completely fallacious. “The Illuminazis do not exist, nor have they ever existed,” claimed the controversial leader. “And führermore– excuse me, furthermore– even if there was such a group, they certainly do not control American politics, or those of any other country for that matter. Nor do we participate in cultic rituals. The pentagrams surrounded by candles? The shouts of ‘Heil Cthulhu!’? The annexation of Poland? All fabrications.” When asked about the pin he was wearing on his lapel, Weishaupt responded by saying that the All-Seeing Toothbrush Mustache is not a symbol used by any major organization in existence today. Weishaupt concluded the announcement by saying that he would never pressure any parent’s child into smoking marijuastika, and that even if he was to do so, the drug is completely harmless and the parents should not oppose it. S&W will continue to press the controversies surrounding this hot topic.