Earth – An Honest Review

in Humor

By Thomas Lloyd

I’ve been on Earth for 21 years. 21 years on this planet (from birth) makes me, unfortunately, a young adult. However, me and my peers are essentially in our prime in every aspect of “life” just short of our finances. I’ve basically been around long enough to get the gist of how to Earth works, it’s pros and cons, and to form an opinion about the whole situation. Earth is by far the best planet in our solar system, but that doesn’t mean it’s any good, it’s quite literally 5% garbage.

Appearance: 5/10

Our planet is a beautiful. Mountains and valleys, rivers and oceans are awe inspiring. Visually, our planet is an 8 out of 10. Well, it was before humans started to build a bunch of shit. Architecture can be really cool and mesmerizing. But, wandering through a city even with the most impressive architecture, you start to think to yourself “Wow, this place is sort of run down”. Decrepit buildings, garbage, and not to mention unsightly people drag this score down to a five out of ten.

Smell: 2/10

Flowers. Food. Sometimes fresh cut grass. Those are the only things that smell good on Earth. For every good smell there are 100 bad smells. I don’t mean to say that Earth smells bad in its entirety, because that would be wrong. Earth has no smell. Right now, I want you to smell where ever it is that you are. What do you smell? Nothing. Point proven. I think Earth can try harder in this category. Your time on Earth will be a constant lack of smell occasionally interrupted by unpleasant odors, maybe from the garbage in the street, maybe from the people who live below you cooking foods from their motherland.

Sound: 4/10

Sounds that Earth naturally makes are unimpressive. Crickets are annoying assholes. Thunder is loud and abrasive, like, we get it thunder, it’s raining outside. A kitten’s meow may be cute, but a goat’s scream is horrifying. Man made sounds can range from 1/10 – 10/10. Music can be one of the best things on Earth, but the voice of that person you just can’t stand is one of the worst sounds out there. Some man made sounds raise Earth’s sound rating to a four out of ten.

Function: 7/10

Earth is a pretty efficient planet. It’s the proud creator of the things that allow life, that allow you and me. Water, that shit is great. Oxygen, couldn’t live without it. Earth is self sufficient. None of us have to go and water all the trees in the forest or feed all the animals. No one is forced to be some type of great biblical shepherd like Noah or made to be some kind of extreme gardener. Humans, however have made a pretty large negative impact on Earth’s function. There’s no water in California (sorry Cali), the climate is out of whack (sorry penguins), and we’re destroying natural habitats for many animals and ruining food chains (condolences, Bambi). Still, Earth is hanging in there. Earth is a tough little guy.

Population: 5/10

Earth is populated with lots of humans, too many humans. Way too many humans. Humans should implement a IQ test which you need to pass before someone can reproduce, or some kind of limit on how many kids someone can have. Is that a violation of rights? Probably, but China does it and they’re kind of on top of their game right now. Earth’s current population is so-so. Three out of five people are ugly (based on a personal study I’ve conducted) and even worse about half of the population identifies as Republican. Times sure are sad.

Overall: 5/10

The average of the topics on this rubric yields a 4.6, I rounded to 5 because I’m a nice guy. Earth isn’t too bad, it’s better than the moon. La Luna finishes up with a three out of ten. Regardless of how we feel about Earth we must deal with it. We can make our lives useful by attempting to make Earth better by improving our own situations and making life better for others, too. As we grow older, maybe we can use our time to raise this five out of ten to a six out of ten, but only if we stop making country music.