Cerebral Pantsings 4: Taylor Swift, No More

in Culture

Taylor Swift’s “Shake it Off”: A Stripper’s Denial

Warning: Because Taylor is one of the dumbest people alive, I could only analyze this sad excuse for art for so long, as it hurt my brain to think about. So if you find my commentary lacking, please email all complaints to satan@union.rpi.edu

Now, it may not come as a surprise to you when I say that Taylor Swift used to be a stripper, but I may very well detonate your cerebellum when I tell you she used to be a stripper so in denial about the horrible aspects of her life (all the aspects of her life) that in an effort to dance away the obvious, her constant gyrations actually landed her a woefully significant place in modern culture. Yes, don’t worry, it’s perfectly normal for you to be crying right about now.


I stay up too late

Got nothing in my brain

That’s what people say

That’s what people say

I go on too many dates

But I can’t make them stay

At least that’s what people say

That’s what people say


The most accurate description of Taylor Swift to date:


But I keep cruising

Can’t stop, won’t stop moving

It’s like I got this music

In my mind, saying it’s gonna be alright

Cause the players gonna play, play, play

And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate

Baby I’m just gonna shake, shake, shake

Shake it off

Heartbreakers gonna break, break, break

And the fakers gonna fake, fake, fake

Baby I’m just gonna shake, shake, shake

Shake it off, Shake it off


This is an illustration of what everyday life at her “job” is like. And, yes, she truly can’t stop dancing for fear of having her implants beaten out of her by her pimp or whatever. It also seems to be true that her “shaking it off” is an analog to her sort of dancing her troubles away, as she apparently is going to use the money gained not to feed her probable drug addiction, but to make herself a better standard a living.


I never miss a beat

I’m lighting up my feet

And that’s what they don’t see

That’s what they don’t see

I’m dancing on my own

I make the moves as I go

And that’s what they don’t know

That’s what they don’t know


This is Swift complaining that her “haters” pay attention not to her fancy footwork, but to the fact that she’s dancing on a pole, a five squared inch cloth away from being completely bare, for money. Yeah, Swift, they’re the ones with the problem.


My ex man brought his new girlfriend

She’s like oh my god

But I’m just gonna shake

And to the fella over there with the hella good hair

Won’t you come on over baby we could shake, shake


Honestly? Screw you, Taylor Swift.