By Noah Tebben
Yes, dear readers, it’s happened again. Peter Molyneux’s grand vision of a world unbound by the cruel restrictions of follow-through and finished products has come crashing down at the feet of many angry gamers. His followers have funded his most recent disaster, a god simulation game named Godus, only to be met with scattered updates and glitchy unfinished gameplay. The recent firestorm of interviews with Mr. Molyneux were relentless and led him to shut down media interaction entirely, leaving frustrated backers with more radio silence. This is all readily available information, but S&W’s senior department of nosiness and borderline breaking-and-entering have something special: audio transcripts of Peter Molyneux’s private conversations with his family! We’ve selected some of the best passages to keep you posted on what the rattled developer does behind those closed doors:
Mrs. Molyneux: You haven’t paid any attention to our daughter in weeks! Why did you miss her concert recital?
PM: Well what do you expect? I’m only one man! I feed my daughter, don’t I? I can’t be there for two things in her life at once! I’d need a team and we don’t have enough money for a bigger team!
Mrs. Molyneux: Oh, always with the team excuse. Don’t you remember what you told me when we were thinking of having her in the first place? ‘Imagine a child that’s like no other child…a daughter that transcends the boundaries of the human experience to brighten your life like no other being. A child that listens and responds to your every command, one that learns as it walks through life and teaches you the value of the universe.’ What happened to that blueprint? All we have now is an eight-year-old that smashes Goldfish into the carpet!
PM: Look, I don’t think you can blame me for the social changes that turn wonderful little girls into cracker-crunching setbacks. How could I have foreseen anything like that?! Also, I am thrilled to announce a successor in our family lineage, a new boy! Production is to start immediately!
Mrs. Molyneux: You know that isn’t happening and I don’t want that at all.
PM: I think it’s perfectly reasonable and an excellent move for a dynamic, detailed family structure that enriches everyone’s life beyond comparison. A new son will revolutionize our lives and answer all of our questions!
[grabs megaphone and leans out residence window]
HELLO EVERYONE, MARTHA AND I ARE HAVING A NEW BABY TO BE BORN Q3 2015!
Mrs. Molyneux: What is wrong with you Peter? You’ve already lied about the house you were going to get me once we were married!
PM: I have NEVER lied about anything in my life and just because your expectations were inflated beyond what I’ve promised does not mean I didn’t live up to my promises!
[gestures to the grand confining space of their mobile home]
Look, this ‘house’ has a full kitchen, an adjacent bedroom, a full living room which is also still part of the kitchen, and even a dining area which is also part of the kitchen! This is an efficient home to call our very own, just like I promised! And I even went beyond that and got you a house that we can take anywhere, never constrained to any one state or territory. We are FREE Martha, ready to seek out our life’s purpose in ways no other marriage can offer.
Mrs. Molyneux: I can’t believe how you’re acting, Peter. What about our daughter’s scholarship fund? That’s something you didn’t make good on!
PM: I beg your pardon! I worked day in and day out in my studios saving for her education, budgeting out $10,000 so she can go to school wherever and however she wants. A full ride to anywhere, for an education so pure and so debt-free that all of her adolescent life will be a bright blur of whimsy and intellectual fancy, a time so vast and great that her adult years will forever be suspended in a nostalgic haze that will drive her onwards for years of success. But inflation is a fickle thing! DO THE MATH MARTHA. College expenses have gone up so much in the past several decades that the money I’ve saved won’t be enough. I’m not perfect, I make a mistake here and there, but I am not at fault for the way things are, Martha.
Mrs. Molyneux: I give up. You’re a pathological liar Peter.
PM: I never give up Martha! And I completely resent that description. I’m DONE talking to any and all family members from now on, forever. There have been too many threats to my intelligence and I can’t have that anymore. Goodbye.