This Year’s Famous Freshmen

in Humor

Every year, the YikYaks get flooded with posts about a few incoming freshmen that stand out. Whether it’s a funky hat they always wear, the way their hair is made of spaghetti, or the type of backpack they use, it seems like there are always a couple students that gain some fame. We’ve rounded up a few of this year’s most notable freshmen.

Salmon Kid

You’ve seen plenty of frat boys in their salmon shorts, but if you haven’t noticed this kid yet you’ve been seriously missing out. Head-to-toe salmon, he’s always flopping around the DCC gasping for air like some sort of fashionable trout. Last seen outside the sushi station at Father’s, we think he should just swim up the Hudson and get outta here.

Wrong Generation Furry Freshman

Born just a few years too late to experience the zeitgeist of furry culture, this surly, cynical freshman can be seen lurking around the DCC with his furry ears and blue hair.  He’s best known for saying things like, “These kids today only care about Kanye West, not having sex with animals.” He longs for the days where DeviantArt user yiFfb0i420 (largely regarded as the Picasso of furry art) was active. We hope Genericon isn’t too mainstream for him.

V for Vendetta Mask Kid

V for Vendetta Mask Kid can be seen around campus wearing his “Anonymous Meme Mask”, as he calls it. You can identify him by the way he always signs his name “Anonymous” on all of his tests. His RIN is notoriously 555555555, and we’re pretty sure he’s sexually aroused by Bitcoin. You can see him always hanging out with Script Kiddie while they discuss “DDoS”ing “The Establishment.”

Vape Kid

Ugh. You’ve definitely seen Vape Kid in his cloud of vapor, waving his vapes around like he’s the fucking Freddy Kreuger of tobacco substitutes. Like yeah, all of your fingers are literally vaporizers. We get it, you vape. He tries to defend himself by saying, “it’s just vapor, bro” but that’s not enough. It doesn’t help that he’s incapable of picking anything up, always knocking things over in class like Edward Vaporhands.

The Honorable Shirley, and Jackson

These iconic twins are both loved and hated by everyone on campus. A little background on them:

    • The Honorable Shirley attended all of her parents’ PTA meetings in high school and is an award winning engineering student

    • Jackson’s a very nice boy

    • The Honorable Shirley has won hundreds of modeling awards for her stunning beauty

    • Jackson has a great personality

    • The Honorable Shirley increased enrollment greatly

    • Jackson fucked up and put RPI in massive debt

Bill Davis!

Oh man, everybody knows Bill! He’s the big man on campus. Bill’s been called “a promising youth”. By who? Everyone, buddy, how do you not know Bill? He always walks across campus with that good face and his hair thing. Everyone knows Bill Davis, man! He’s like the Robert Bribbleson of the class of 2019 (remember ol’ Bribskies?) Oh boy, Bill’s just great.