RPI Unveils New Sexual Harrassment Policy

in Humor

In the midst of a sexual assault epidemic on college campuses across the nation, Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute released a comprehensive sexual assault policy for its graduate and undergraduate students. RPI officials at a press conference on Wednesday stated “All of our students are very valued revenue sources. We felt that this policy was a necessary step towards making our student populace safer and more tolerant as a whole.” The fundamental changes in the policy were aimed towards making female and minority students feel more welcome on campus. In order to avoid negative interactions and unwanted male attention, all male students now must ask any female student’s express verbal consent to speak with them. “This policy is the only way we can empower our female students to defend themselves against neckbeards and cargo shorts.”  Officials reported that, since many RPI males are unable to understand subtle or nuanced social cues, “Formal conversational requirements are the only way to reach some of our more socially developing students.”