R&E Releases New Campaign Rules

in Humor

As a result of the recent scandal involving members of the “A Stronger Union” party, the Rules and Elections Committee has decided to create a series of stricter rules to help bring integrity to the election process. Though they are not yet in effect the following rules will be added to the Grand Marshal Week 2015 Election Handbook before the Fall 2015 semester:

  1. After receiving the necessary amount of signatures to be officially placed on the ballot all President of the Union candidates must cease bathing to maintain political integrity.
  2. To avoid the possibility of future vandalism of campaign materials on campus, from the beginning of the campaign season, all students are forbidden to look at, touch, talk to, comment on, eat, feel, caress or lick promotional materials including but not limited to posters, business cards, blimps, tattoos starting with a candidate’s name sprawled across the chests of other students, shaved animals, etc.
  3. All students must be cordially invited by each candidate to the annual Student Senate orgy, moderated and led by the GM candidates.
  4. Prior to announcing their candidacy individuals must declare their stance on Kendrick’s new album.
  5. R&E would like to emphasize to all candidates that using 18th century German literature as a platform is strictly prohibited.
  6. At the time of announcing their candidacy, individuals should present the Rensselaer Union a 3 minute recording of their screams to be played from the speaker atop the Union at the time of their death.
  7. Though it is not strictly forbidden, wearing salmon shorts is strongly frowned upon.
  8. A new event called “Tape the Campus” will be created to coincide with GM week. The event will involve covering any and all students, faculty and surfaces will masking tape.

R&E hopes that these new rules will spice up next year’s election season and lead to a much more fair and balanced race. Good luck to all future candidates!