We here at S&W know you want to be the coolest, most hip cats on campus so we’ve asked the hottest celebrities to give you, yes you, some advice!
Kanye West helps your friends in the restroom:
Ever felt the need to let someone know something important, but the situation is swamped in what some people call “personal space”? Well, screw those people! You need to be a man and let your bro know what’s up, regardless of the genders involved!
Let’s say you’re in the bathroom with your homeskillet, and you need to tell them something crucial, something that just can’t wait. Ask yourself, WWKD (What would Kanye do?) Or, better yet, just ask us. Here’s the answer.
Put a clamp on his urinating device and yell, “Hey dude, I’m really happy for you and I’m gonna let you finish, but THIS stall over here,” as you emphatically point to a clearly better stall, “is one of the best stalls of all time!” If he’s really your dogg, he’ll take your jammin’ advice in stride. If not, drop that slizzard faker as if they were hot. Either way, mission accomplished.
Sweet moves, my man.
Katy Perry helps make it with the laaaadiees:
Having trouble getting a human to raise your demon spawn? Katy Perry (in a direct quote, ladies and gentlemen!) helps you pick up future birthing devices like…well, like Katy Perry!
It’s best to deliver this quote while cornering your love interest and screaming at the top of your lungs Katy’s eternal words, “I’m so obsessed with you I want to skin you and wear you like Versace!” Not only will they appreciate your undying, psychotic passion for their many lumps of flesh, but they’ll also be utterly captivated by your good taste in clothing.
Ke$ha impresses girls with knowledge of anatomy:
Now that you’ve hooked your object of affection, it’s time to reel them in. Keep them interested with your unique set of scientific knowledge. Que the Barry White album and whisper this into their ear, “You know, if you wear your own placenta around your neck, you can see dead people. Wanna try it?”
Awwwww yeeaah. Smokin’.
Huh. She’s out of her mind and obsessed with everything that has anything to do with sex. Oh snap, that’s who she reminds me of: Madonna! What? What do you mean she’s still alive? Well, her career died a LONG time ago.
Justin Bieber helps mourn your friends’ loved ones:
WHY NOT take advice from an over-glorified 9 year old? If so many sexually repressed teenage girls across the world treat him like a magical god-king, why not hear what he has to say? So here’s how Justin Bieber would handle saying something comforting about a loved one’s dead friend. I mean, being supreme ruler of the universe has to have given him some insight, right? Right???
“Dude, your broham was was a great chum. I know in my heart of hearts he had to have been a belieber.”
Ok, maybe not…he actually wrote that?…No, you’re messing with me. Ok, nope, you know what? I’m done. No, no more! I’M DONE!
Amanda Bynes and Rob Ford help you comfort your friends:
So, it’s become apparent that if I don’t do this job, it’s back to eating Commons trash for me. Let’s just get this over with. Let’s see…Amanda and Rob, huh? Well, at least one of them is a crack-smoking politician… here goes optimism!
So let’s say your dear friend is suffering from domestic violence. Amanda and Rob team up to bring you these consoling words, “Honey, shhh…. shhhhh……. he only beat you because you’re not pretty enough! That’s going to be pretty hard to change…”
Ummm…Ok, so I’m building a spaceship. I’m done with this messed-up world. When did humans get so dumb? *Sigh*… There’s room for 34 other people. There’s no clear destination, and it’ll only have enough fuel to go for 1 lightyear, but that’s better than spending another 365 days on this jacked up spherical cesspool of idiocy. If you want in, meet me in Cary Hall 1111 on 7/4/15. This is not a joke. Bring your own weapons. Safety not guaranteed. I’ve only done this once before.