SHC and RCOS to Begin Monitoring Student Snapchat Traffic

in Humor

With Facebook honorably helping the U.S. government in their tireless war on drugs by monitoring all of our personal messages, (and we at S&W do our part by decimating the local drug supply), our all-willing president Shirley Ann Jackson has found a similar way to use our intimate life details for the better! RPI users of the popular picture service Snapchat will now have more than their frat bro friends and uncomfortable females to view their exposed genitals.

A co-op effort between the Student Health Center and RCOS (the Rensselaer Cock Observation Specialists, unrelated to the student open source software advocacy group) is now monitoring Snapchat traffic for genital pictures (“nudez“), in an extended effort to improve student sexual health on campus. S&W managed to gain an interview with one of the lead developers in RCOS, who requested to go unnamed. We’ve used a suitable alias instead:

Statler & Waldorf: Let us say that it is an honor to get a peek at this new technology. What exactly are you using to monitor these pictures? Do you have a certified erection expert? We’d like to see some credentials.

Ron B. Studley: We’ve designed and implemented some of the best PAT [penis analysis technology] in the industry right now. We’ve whipped out many of the kinks and overcome most of the challenges that our competitors have performance issues with.

S&W: What sort of challenges does the average penis analyzer face?

Ron: The meatiest issue is really pinpointing what is in fact a penis and what isn’t. I can’t tell you how many fungi, wiener dogs, delicious apple-smoked sausage links, and brazen pictures of the Washington monument we’ve accidentally diagnosed. Speaking of which, the Washington monument should definitely get more exercise to fix its discoloration.

S&W: Aren’t people a little worried about having their junk analyzed by strangers? I mean, not including that guy in our dorm rooms who insists on being constantly naked.

Ron: We fully respect our users’ privacy and would like to reassure them that all of their pictures are analyzed by algorithms, and never actually viewed by human eyes! Except when our algorithms find a particularly hilarious dick pic, then we can’t help but resist. Everyone deserves a good laugh.

S&W: Wouldn’t some say that this kind of monitoring is a bit excessive? Is this really necessary?

Ron: I think that’s an important question, and I think you should direct it towards the innocent, well-meaning and not-so-well-endowed guy that drops his trousers only to be greeted with laughter and cringes. What would he say, humiliated and wishing that there had been someone looking out for him? I think you should ask him that question.

S&W: That guy is undoubtedly you.

Ron: No comment.

S&W: Our genitals feel safer already! Thank you so much for your time. This new technology will definitely come in handy.

On our way out of the developer’s studio, we saw scoreboards, an impressive wall of fame, and even some collaboration with Microsoft’s motion-control system Kinect! We watched in awe as one particularly energetic user waved his southern salamander around in front of the system. The Kinect, apparently remembering the member, greeted him warmly, displayed a number of new statistics, and informed him that he had earned a new achievement! It seems that Snapchat is only the first frontier in a new, penis-driven world. Yes, a ‘new’ penis-driven world.

For all your news, penis-related and otherwise, count on S&W to keep you on topic.