By Mike Dame, Chris Dower, Istvan Moritz, Kristan Tate, Tristan Villamil
This was an article written at Statler & Waldorf’s NRB event this year at RPI, where incoming freshmen were given the opportunity to walk into the office and, over the course of 2 hours, brainstormed, outlined, and wrote two full articles in groups. They did a great job.
RPI is known for its extensive selection of highly instructive and difficult courses. At S&W, we decided to give you a breakdown of some of the most interesting and helpful courses that the Tute has to offer.
1. Cunnilingus Processes – FUCK 2400
Taught by professor Hans Gruuberstuuber (known for 18 hour lectures on compairing vaginas to flowers), This class discusses the manufacturing process of cunnilingus including injection molding, plasma spraying, and capstoning. As a very hands in course it also covers the communications intensive requirement for all majors except Women’s and Gender Studies.
2. Intro to Cheating – FAIL 1030
Successfully completing this course with an A will result in expulsion. No test materials will be covered in class and the review material will be contradictory to that on all exams. A random selection of students will be given the answer key two days prior to the final and it is expected that they “follow the honor system” to achieve the grades that they “deserve” in this “class”.
3. Drugs – DUDE 1010/WOAH 1010
(Offerered Summer Term, Held winter Term)
Discuss the theory of gravity bongs, which brings you into the transcendentalism of Albert Einstein’s belief that the Wadsworth Constant preempts the formation and degradation of the spirit molecule DMT, man. The government doesn’t want you to know about it, but we’re gonna teach it. It’s important for people to have knowledge, you know? Peace and living truly under the oppressive rule of emotional nudists brings happiness to a world of expanded minds. The truth is out there. Required reading: Doritos.
4. Arc Building in EMPAC – BIBL 4320
One male and one female will be chosen by divine intervention from each major to enroll in this course except for Computer Science, from which two males will be chosen because they have no girls. Topics such as wtf is a cubit, the importance of not forgetting unicorns, and dealing with disgruntled neighbors will be covered. Questioning the All Mighty Professor will result in immediate damnation.
5. Introduction to Girls – GIRL 1010
Taught by Dr. Proffessor Barney Stitson Esquire, this course is a requirement for computer science majors. Students will be eased into the experience of intercting with women through the use of electronic tools such as Siri and GPS voices, tests and labs will involve interacting with Watson dressed as a woman. The final exam for this course consist of a field trip to Sage College. No prior experience with the subject is required for this course. All athletes and fraternity brothers may test out.
(This course is a prerequisite for FUCK-2400: Cunnilingus Processes)
6. Intro to staying awake in class – ZZZZ – zzzz
This class will meet half an hour before sunrise every day in a room that is slightly too warm (approximately 85 degress Fahrenheit). After the first hour, we will take a recess and reconvene at eight to finish the other five hours of class. Lectures will consist of documentaries about clouds narrated by Morgan Freeman, with a sound track by Kenny G. No electronics, clocks or watches will be allowed in the classroom and there will be a zero tolerance policy on talking.