Recently, applications for the Union Executive board (the main governing body of the Union) were being accepted. In an effort to stage a coup, we at S&W have decided to all apply for positions on the E-board. Below are the actual application questions, and our actual application answers.
Chris Cassie Mike Elizabeth
1. In your own words, what is the Union Executive Board? Why do you want to serve as an Executive Board Representative?
Chris: A bunch of pretentious douche nozzles with nothing better to do with their time than decide what clubs my money should go to. Having power makes me horny, and I enjoy being horny. I also get off to people being sad.
Cassie: A highly qualified group of individuals with insane amounts of intelligence and pomp. That can make a mean mojito and that enjoy sushi and hot tubbing any time. I want to be able to fuck people in the ass whenever I want. I also find it quite arousing to be a dick to people for no reason, so any position that lets me do that is perfect for me.
Mike: The E-board is a pretty cool guy that doesn’t afraid of anything. I want to be far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like.
Elizabeth: The E-Board is a group of nerds that sit on their computers playing League of Legends all day and eating Brown Bag and drinking all night. Oh, wait? What are you asking about? I thought you asked about the average RPI kid. Yeah, I don’t know. I think they’re the people who talk to Dr. Jackson every day and make all the decisions. That’s what executive means, right?
2. What events and organizations have you been involved in at RPI? What level of involvement have you had in these activities (i.e. have you held officer positions)?
Chris: I have been in the Porn Appreciation Club, the BDSM club, the Sponge Bathing Old Men Club, I hold an executive position in the Nudist Council, I helped clone the third generation of Albi, the Albino Squirrel, I’m on the Dr. Jackson’s Top Secret Security Council for the Defense of RPI in Case of Holocaust or Zombie Apocalypse, and the Chocolate Club. I’m also 3% rabbit.
Cassie: Flapjack Appreciation Club, Black People Appreciation Team, similar to the RPI Twerk Team, head president of the Arson Club, designated cat. Two-year champion at noodle flinging.
Mike: I will be starting the Procrastinator’s Club of Tomorrow when I get around to it.
Elizabeth: Cassie, we have a Twerk Team here? How do I sign up????? I’m president of the Hippie Club, webmaster/co-chair of the Less Hippie More Green Roof Club, and Editor of the Unappreciated “News”paper. I’m 25% bird and I belong to the Pretend to Fly club, too.
3. What unique qualities or experiences do you have to offer the Executive Board? What do you hope to learn as an Executive Board member?
Chris: I have been voted fifth largest penis two years in a row. I want to learn how to suck dick. I like to think that I invented the light bulb.
Cassie: I want to learn how to handle myself in large political groups.
Mike: As far as unique qualities, I can count to over 100 without cheating. I want to learn Italian.
Elizabeth: I can sing 3 out of the 4 verses of The Star-Spangled Banner terribly. I think E-Board needs someone like that. It’s very important. I want to learn whatever language they speak in Indonesia as an Executive Board member.
4. Being a representative to the Executive Board requires a considerable amount of dedication. Do you have any other ongoing commitments that may interfere with your ability to perform your duties as an Executive Board Representative?
Chris: Acid, and lots of it.
Cassie: Masturbating. It’s a big time sink.
Mike: No. The E-board will be my top priority. I will dedicate my life to ensuring the proper order and execution of Union affairs. Nothing will stand in my way, and my steadfast devotion will burn with the passion of ten thousand Crusaders (the New Zealand rugby team). There was a time when I would place family, friends, and even myself above my club involvement but no longer: I will live for the Executive Board. Attached you will find my handwritten oath, signed in blood.
Elizabeth: I am medically required to pet a cat every 5 minutes. Are cats allowed in the Union?
6. Write anything you feel is important, expand on your experience or diversity, or write some questions you would like answered.
Elizabeth: What is diversity?