Pros and Cons of a Single Apartment

in #12.1/Blog/Humor

Pros:

  • You can keep your place as clean (or messy) as you want it to be. You didn’t do the dishes yesterday. Or the day before. Or even the day before that. Who’s going to complain to you? Nobody. And you don’t have to complain to your nonexistent roommate either, because he certainly didn’t leave the dishes out. Everything is always your fault—and only you can blame yourself.
  • You can walk around stark naked, and nobody will ever know. Apartments can get warm in the summer, and clothes are annoying, especially when they’re too tight or just plain uncomfortable. And since there’s nobody else around, why not just strip down and strut your stuff bare-ass naked? Just remember: put clothes on if you need to take the trash outside, and be mindful of windows!
  • You don’t have to share anything. In your previous dorm situation, you may have once baked some scrumptious brownies. When they were done, you wanted to devour them all, keeping them all to yourself and satiating that chocolate desire that rested within your desperate tummy for so long. And then your roommate entered—with her ten sorority friends. Of course they smelled that delicious smell, and took all that was once yours, and left you mere fragments of the ecstasy. It was a tragic day—but you never have to relive that again in your single apartment. No, never again—you can finally claim all of the brownies as yours, and consume them to your own liking, swimming in that decadence of chocolate and pure pleasure.
  • Loud noises are a thing of the past. Remember the on-campus days when frats nearby would blast music until 3 AM? Or when your side of the wall would be vibrating at 5 AM because your neighbor couldn’t get enough damn Starcraft? Well, those days are long gone now; your apartment is in a nice, quiet neighborhood, filled with families who can’t stand to stay up past 9 PM.
  • You can seriously do whatever the fuck you want. You can always watch X, and no roommate will ever bitch and moan that they want to watch Y instead.You can blast the heat up to 80 if you wanted to—none of that bullshit 60 that you had to put up with for a year because your roommate couldn’t stand anything above that. Did a roommate of the past prohibit you from having sex in the dorm? Well, now you can fuck on the kitchen counter all afternoon if you wanted to. Roommate rules don’t apply—just the landlord rules and legal rules, perhaps.

 

Cons:

  • You can’t share anything. Sure, it’s nice when you can enjoy your brownies to yourself, but now you can’t go splitsies on anything. Rent + utilities + internet + furniture + food + supplies = a hell of a lot of money. Either you have to scramble for a job that puts you in Ultra Stress Mode on top of school, go right into your savings and drain that to oblivion, or mooch off of your parents. They say money can’t buy happiness, but if money buys a decent living… well, you’re screwed with a single apartment.
  • There’s nobody else to get the spiders. They come out of nowhere. Suddenly, one will dangle in front of you while you’re taking a piss. Or you’ll wake up and see one directly above you, crawling on the ceiling. Those terrifying creatures, legs sprawled out—and they’re all waiting, waiting to scare the living bejeezus out of you, and nobody else. What do you do? Try to get it out of the apartment? That means you have to get really close to it, and risk it jumping right onto your arm. Or, you could always just ignore it, and hope it goes away on its own—but it won’t.You’ll be thinking about it constantly, looking everywhere you go, making sure it doesn’t sneak up on you, or even worse—crawl all over your face. And because you have nobody else to take care of this for you, you cry in your sleep, knowing that they are watching and waiting for you, and only you.
  • You get paranoid. As you’re lying in bed at night, you hear a “BANG BANG THOMP” sort of noise and can’t help but immediately pull the covers over your head, assume the fetal position, and wish that your mom was there to tell you that everything is okay. Maybe the noise was just the apartment, or the guy living behind you—or someone trying to break in. They totally know you’re here alone, helpless with thousands of dollars’ worth of electronics. It’s only a matter of time before you forget to lock the front door, or forget to close a window…
  • You have to do all the work. Did your washer break? You have to take care of it. Are the dishes piled up to the ceiling? You have to take care of it. Did you get an infestation of gigantic black ants in the kitchen? You have to take care of it. Did a friend take hardcore drugs and go batshit insane in your apartment? You have to take care of it. Did a gigantic flying elephant barge through your front door? …You still have to take care of it.
  • There’s nobody to take care of you. When you were hella sick last year, with snot, vomit, spit, and shit everywhere, you had your roommate there to take care of you. And when you’re home, even better—your parents are there to do everything for you to help you get better. But here? It’s all on you. Are you running out of food, but you’re too sick to get it? Well, either you find a very dedicated friend to do all of this shit for you, or you’re stuck, sick and hungry.
  • Sometimes, it gets lonely. But there is a way to combat this, fortunately. Just go out and find people to get drunk with!